Now that the weather has cooled down and we're in the middle of fall, I can't help but reflect on how much my life has changed, probably for the better, these last couple of weeks. Love is such a tricky topic, and I really don't want to sound bitter in this forthcoming talk about turning a really crappy experience, my bad romance, into something empowering. I am not embittered, but I've learned my lessons when it comes to love.
My story goes something like this: when I was 15 years old I fell head over heels in love with this perfect guy. And the two of us were very happy. Until I realized he was really cool and I wasn't. I knew this because he told me so and, since he was really cool and I couldn't think for myself, it had to be true. Besides that, it happened that the boy I was in love with was really handsome too and I wasn't that pretty. I knew that because he repetitious pointed out my flaws. Also, this guy really knew how to have fun. I didn't know how to do that and I was always getting in the way of his fun. I knew that because he told me he was my babysit when we hang out together. Actually, I was the reason he wasn't getting anywhere in life. How did I know that? Well, he told me so.
For years I felt so extremely lucky to date with this cool, handsome, fun guy. So big-hearted of him to date me, even though I wasn't cool or handsome or fun. I believed that being in love is the most wonderful and important thing in the world. That it means you're handsome, even if your partner is unkind about your appearance. That it means you are interesting, even when your partner doesn't listen to you or respect your thoughts and preferences. That it means you're never alone, so you stay with someone that makes you feel lonely in the relationship.
Of course that is not true. My problem was that if he told me I wasn't good enough, I would believe him. I didn't object when he insulted me under the disguise of "constructive criticism" or "just joking". It took me a series of hurtful lies to realize that I couldn't take it anymore. There was no reason anymore to believe any word he'd ever said to me. I realized that my hope that someday he would turn into the guy I had always wanted him to be was a phantom. So we broke up.
So, love lesson number one: behavior is where you will really learn about people and start to crack their strange little individual code. If he says that he will try to change but keeps treating you badly; walk! You will never regret it, and you will make space in your life for a really, really fantastic person to appear.
Life is finally settling down though, and I feel happy and comfortable again on a constant, daily basis. I've had rough days, but I've learned so much about myself and other people. It's been good for me to experience something like this and grow from it. So I want to end with a little thank you to my ended relationship, you were beautiful from time to time and in the end a good lesson to me.
I think one of the biggest advantages of the end of a relationship (and therefore living on your own again) is that you can totally redecorate your apartment in the way you want it. My apartment wishlist is growing and growing and right now I'm feeling neutrals mixed with some girly items here and there. Here are some things I've had my eye on as inspiration for how I want my apartment to look like.